What I Want My Nonverbal Son to Know When I Am Called Home to Be With the Lord
Dear Morgan,
You are God’s gift to me, and I treasured you from the moment you were born!!! Now that mommy has gone Home to be with the Lord, it is important to me that you know how very much I loved you!
The first time I remember being aware of my love for you was when I saw this sonogram of you after nearly 5 months in my womb. How could I resist seeing my baby boy’s little nose as it faced straight up while you rested comfortably on every one of my internal organs LOL?
Today is Monday, 09/28/20, and I didn’t know what I was going to write about for today’s blog until I realized that today is National Sons Day. I realized how important it is for me to let you know what you have meant in my life if the time comes that I must suddenly and unexpectedly leave this Earth.
At the time I am writing this, mommy is 47 years old and you just turned 10 years old in May. Earlier today, your Bonus Daddy reminded me that when you turn 30, I will be 67. Whoa!!! That really hit me hard! I waited until age 37 to have you, my only child, and I only recently explored why I waited so long to have a child.
Part of it was that a doctor told me in my early 20s that I may never be able to conceive a child, and I believed him. I trusted in him more than I trusted in God. Had I put my faith in God instead of man, I would have had no fear and doubt and would have possibly considered getting pregnant sooner. But if I had, God may have gifted me a different son, or maybe even a daughter.
Your grandmother also played a role in my decision to wait, but I don’t blame her for my decisions. I am just grateful that the Lord chose YOU to be my precious little man because YOU have taught me sooooo much!!!
Yes, you are still nonverbal at age 10. And yes, you were diagnosed with autism before the age of 3. But please know that my love for you never wavered. I loved you through the tough times AND through all of your wins … big and small. Because of every challenge we faced, YOU are the reason I became stronger. You are the reason I began to see others differently. You taught me patience. God gave me grace, but YOU taught me why it was important for me to give grace to others.
My sweet sweet boy … I need you to know the depth of my affection for you. I would have taken a bullet for you. I would have fiercely battled against the meanest demons to keep you safe, healthy, and happy!! While we faced many moments of frustration together on your autism journey and overcame many challenges together, you were NEVER a burden. My mission in life was to always move mountains to ensure that your well being came FIRST.
Morgan, if you are reading this right now, it means 2 things: a) Mommy is no longer with you and b) you are able to read and comprehend my words. With that said, I am so grateful to God for his miracles, and I am so proud of you for pushing through your discomfort over the years.
You are strong!!
You are courageous!!
You are brilliant!!
You are funny!!
You are fierce!!
You are favored and covered in love!!!!!
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